Loving, without requirement

The gift of grace.

Jan 06, 2025

The start of a new year brings with it much expectation; we are full of bright hope for dramatic shifts and changes.

Don’t get me wrong, intentions and goals are important too - but in my experience beautiful things can also happen as a result of seemingly “small” internal adjustments - such as the simple decision to open more, to regularly choose love. Immediately. Now. Without condition or requirement.

Love is the field that holds us all, always here for us with its gift of grace.

Note: this piece is complementary to my article, “An open heart.”

Loving, beyond condition

It’s easy to place a lot of conditions on how we love, on who/how/why someone is worthy of receiving our affections.

If only they changed this annoying thing about them then our relationship would be fine…

If they could only see how much damage they do when….

If only they stopped being like this and instead were more like that….

I caught myself doing this recently, with someone who is close to me in terms of connection, but towards whom I sometimes feel angry, resentful.

I knew I was playing out a pattern because every time we spoke, I kept feeling the same tension, the same internal storyline. It’s like I could only see them through the lens of my anger and frustration.

I paused and wondered, how else could I view this individual? How else could I interpret their words, their actions?

I know that I’m committed to this relationship long run, I want it to be better. But if nothing about them ever changes, can I love them anyway?

Where can I soften?

An inner return

Real love is always an extension of a love we know within.

That is because love does not “need.” It offers.

“I don't trust people who don't love themselves and tell me, 'I love you.' ... There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”
―Maya Angelou

Love fills us with compassion, understanding, grace. It extends, a tender gift we can share with another. As the wise Maya Angelou taught, “love liberates.”

thecompassionatepsycho

A post shared by @thecompassionatepsycho

Jeff Foster talks about love as a field, an energy that holds us all like the ocean carries the waves. We don’t create love, we return1 to it:

“We have simply remembered the field in each other's presence.”2

We all have love within us, but sometimes it can feel like we’ve lost touch with it, clouded by fear or pain, numbness or protection.

To love truly, wholly, we must be able to touch love within ourselves, to tenderly remember what we Know. This is diligent work, a practice if there ever was one.

The simplest instruction I know for coming back to love within is:

1) Think of someone you really love. Breathe and feel the love in your heart (you can continue to do this, breathing love in and out, as long as you want). 

2) Then, as you interact [with anyone], again breathe and feel the love in your heart. Practice until you feel full, nourished, not "needing" anything - no matter what is happening or who you are with. 

3) When you're ready, and only if you're ready - extend the energy of love outwards beyond yourself, towards the other person you are with. 

*Important - you may face inner or outer blocks along the way. Those too, are part of this practice. Note these reactions gently. Continue the instructions - keep breathing, keep loving.

Yes, it’s a little woo woo. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work :) Love is a felt, energetic experience.

You just know when someone is loving, you can feel it.

The gift of grace

Last year, a wise friend shared a teaching that has stayed with me since.

"The biggest help you can give them someone struggling, is not to give up on them.”

No need to change them or fix or rescue. It won’t really help anyway.

Just don’t give up on them, no matter what.

When I think back on the moments in my own life that were hardest, where I was really struggling or hurting or terribly stubborn - what stands out to me, what really “helped”, were the people in my life who loved me anyway.

Those friends and family did not require me to change, in order to love me. They saw my transgressions, acknowledged them honestly, and chose to love anyway.

They gave me a gift that is both noble and humble, the gift of grace.

Grace is a holy space. As Ram Dass described, “Grace is at the nexus of love and awareness. There it’s all open and it’s all love.”

In grace we acknowledge our imperfections, and love anyway. Right here, right now.

After all, none of us are are ever right all the time. Most (all?) of the time, we don’t know exactly what we’re doing - but we can still be here, together. We can still love.

_beckygonzalez

A post shared by @_beckygonzalez

Love, always here

The best part is that Love is always available to us, right here, in the present moment.

It’s here for us, as we are.

We don’t need to go to therapy or coaching to be more loving. We don’t need to do a round-robin survey of all the people in our life, getting more advice. We don’t need to go on a psychedelic or meditation retreat to open our hearts.

Yes, those things can be helpful. They can accelerate our process, expanding our everyday vision or helping us dive deeper into parts we don’t make space for in ordinary life.

But they’re not a requirement to love. Love will be here, anyway.